3 days of fasting

i am doing a 3 day fast to reconnect or rather connect with myself, find some things about myself, settle some things, of course i know i won't accomplish this in three days but maybe i could get some clarity on where to go in life, how to go about it, what it is i need to let go and strength necessary in doing so! the fast is three days, no food...only water and natural juices, during these days i would try to meditate and look inside of me, even the parts that i somehow always avoid looking at because they are not the most attractive of me. a good person told me we seek to please others because there is a part of us we haven't satisfied yet. i want to be satisfied and beyond satisfied with me first. i can't do anyone any good if i cannot do that.

i will detail the three days and the feelings that i experience, the things i want to change, the things that are hard for me, the things i need clarity on, i will detail them here as each day passes.

peace love and blessings

my jam!

this song is like my theme song seriously! lol

at night

during the day, while everything is going on i never stop to think about you
it is much easier to pretend like everything is fine
that i don't mind if you are not mine
but at night as i sit in my room
surrounded by the 4 corners of my walls
i start to reminisce about the time spent talking on the phone
i replay those nights when all i wanted to do was to just stay in your arms
i closed my eyes and i am taken back a year ago when everything felt so right
through the night everything is alright
i open my eyes and all i have are the memories
everything else is gone, even the flurries
on that very first day when we first met
the promises of forever long gone
i remember the smiles on both of our faces
my, how happy we were during those days
rays of sunshine penetrating my window let me know that the day has begun
once again i go about my day as if everything is alright
i try my hardest to smile and laugh hoping to get through this phase
i am very proud so never have i allowed my emotions to come through
somehow at night i am not able to control them
as the end of the day nears
the night approaches and once again i fear
the tormenting memories, i am a prisoner of them at night
it seems they won't allow me to think of anything else but the way it felt to be held by you.
the way it felt to be caressed by you
the way i could feel your kisses at the core of my soul
at night it is impossible for me to pretend that i don't care
it is only at night that i am able to completely let go
because i know no one is watching, i can't feel weak
at night i still dream of what it felt like to be alive
to not just live during the day going through the motions of being in control
at night i can let go of the inhibitions and finally admit that i do still wish you were around
at night i can say it aloud
i might, maybe just maybe if night were to stay around forever
finally admit that i love you
but only at night.

Acceptance

i just watched this movie, on lifetime. as you can see from the title of this post it was called acceptance. it was about a group of high school seniors deciding on which colleges they should apply to, which they would attend and what the perfect school for them would be. that was what the movie appeared to be about, but it had a deeper message: to accept yourself, your life, your mistakes, your regrets and everything that has gotten you to the point that you are at the moment and to realize that there is a brighter tomorrow and although you cannot always make a U turn in life, you can always find an alternative path that leads you to the same destination. one character in the movie really stood out to me, her name was Taylor, the reason she stood out to me is because in so many ways she resembled me. taylor had issues at home, and blamed them for the mistakes she made and the pain she felt and also blamed her delusional and absentee father for the failures that she made in life and for her grades not being the best that they could be. she cut herself and stole others mail to distract her from the pain that she was feeling. the reason i say that she reminded me of myself is not because of her cutting habit( oh no!!! i am too afraid of pain to go through that) but because so many times, i have felt like a failure and i have blamed my unperfect family for those feelings, i have always felt that my mom did not deserve a failure of a daughter like i was, or i felt that maybe if i was perfect then my dad would love me more, or my mom would be with me. point of the story is i blamed my circumstances that now looking at them were not that horrible, but nonetheless i have blamed them for the mistakes i have made. i blamed having a job on not having the perfect grade average, or not making good enough grades. i blamed not being able to have a 4.0 on the fact that my family put too much pressure on me. i did all these things because i was not able to accept the fact that things happen and life is not perfect. i forgot that people must still work hard for whatever it is they want out of life regardless of what happened to them or whether or not their parents were not in their lives. but i am thinking maybe my acceptance came a bit too late.
at the end of the movie, taylor gets into the school that she wants to go to, harry who father has always wanted him to go to harvard, is accepted to maryland(by the way my school whoop whoop...well not really...) on a full scholarship. he realizes that the school that you attend does not guarantee that you would be less screwed up when you grew up or more stable...it just looks good on your resume! at the end of the day the fact that you can accept who you are as a whole and accept your parents and everyone around for who and what they are( people that will never cease to annoy your life) then you have done a great job so far at life...the other half is another story...

toodles people

Everyone will not love you!

i don't know if as humans this is one of those things that we are born with, or rather one of those inept things that we cannot help but want others to love us, to feel some sense of belonging in this big whole world. to feel like we are connected to something. maybe it is one of those inept abilities because if it isn't then i am seriously screwed! am i craving attention and love so much that i stick to anything to gives me even an ounce of this? even if it is for the wrong reason? are we so messed up in the head as humans that we come to believe lies as truths because we can find comfort in them? someone please tell me this is what is happening to society because if it isn't then once again i am completely screwed up! i believe everyone that smiles at me is my friend and wishes me well. it is almost like i have created some make believe world where everyone is my friend and no one wants to harm me, all of them want to love me, no one wishes me harm, everyone wishes me success...i don't know where this is leading but i am pretty sure it will not be a happy ending!

Second chances

how many second chances should one receive? how many are you allowed in life? how many are you permitted? how many before whoever is in charge of the universe says that is it! no more for you! or how many should you allow to a person, before you can say no more! i feel i have blessed, i have received many opportunities and had knocked on the proper doors and put things out there, i would have had more. everyday i feel as if i am somehow not doing all that i am supposed to do and feel as a failure but yet i do nothing to change it. everyday i say to myself no more, and allow myself a second chance to get it right but yet never do and fail myself once again and i am again back to where i started. i promise to myself many times i will definitely do better and then i don't! how many promises can be made until one get fed up? i think i need to make an appointment with either a psychologist or a psychiatrist because i believe they have defined crazy as doing the same thing and expecting different results!

nice guys finish last! why is that?

In this video, he discusses what it is he would do for a specific girl and still she would not love him. the song i admit makes the girl sounds like an evil, no heart having, b**ch...but let's look at this phenomenon for a while why don't we? many girls have told me how much they would want a guy to do this for them, and speaking from experience, i have been the girl in the video. one important point to remember is the fact that you cannot at all ignite feelings, you cannot make them appear when they are not there and you certainly cannot make them disappear when they have made their way into the surface. women/girls have this thing where they want to be the one that changes the guy and really it is something we cannot help, as foolish as it sounds, especially to me, we cannot help it! there are women though who know the lines between fantasy and reality. as much as i want to meet a bad boy and turn him good there is no possible way i would stick around for his bad ways to manifest on me! NEGATIVE. the reason why i think at least women do not want a good guy depends on the woman...because let's face it, the good guys sometimes go for those beautiful messed up in the head women, the kind that in fact wants a "bad boy". more often than not, the good guy is not attractive enough, or he doesn't have that whip appeal...of course everyone wants someone they can be like "damn baby...you are fine" someone that looks like you know let's say trey songz and if trey happened to be a good guy, then of course there is not a woman on earth that would refuse him. so i do not think it is an issue of nice guys finishing last...there is much more to the story than that. you might be nice, but not good looking, so of course then your niceness doesn't matter...although it should (this is another blog) but hey we live in the society where outside appearances have more value then what is found within. so i say this to bruno...i am so sorry that you had to kill yourslef, but you cannot blame the woman for wanting a finer man that what you were...of course what you did was beyond sweet, but let's face i am pretty sure what he does to her in the bedroom is maybe worth more than that...hey hey hey i am just saying what it is! why don't you try finding you an equally nice girl and maybe you won't have those problems, you were trying to go after the supermodel, but of course she wants someone that looks like a supermodel too...:)...better luck next time lol

later loves,