own your happiness

i have tried many and many times, mistake after mistake to blame others for why i was making those mistakes, i tried to say "well it was because my mom wasn't in my life, my dad was not there at all or i didn't feel included" whatever excuse i tried to come up with at the time, truth is if you are unhappy IT IS YOUR FAULT! there i said it and i do not care how you feel about it either because guess what it is the truth. blaming others allows us to not take responsability for our own lives, we allow others to drive the car while we sit in the passenger seat. TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IT IS YOU! ALL YOU! you have to understand, the mind will have you believing anything if you let it, you come up with these things to make yourself feel better, then you reassure yourself that it is indeed the truth so that you can be comfortable in the lie you have just made. the sooner you own up to it, the sooner the healing can begin. i will be thankful to the creator that although i pointed a finger at someone i was able to see the three that were pointing back at me, and i started to see that although i could choose the childhood that i had, i could for sure choose the future and the present that i will/have. those circumstances i had a say so in, so the mistakes i made they were of my own doing.so stand in front of the mirror and take a hard look if you see something you do not like, and it does not have to be on the surface, then start taking chanrge because let me tell you no other feeling surpasses absolute happiness with one self...

i'll see you after another lesson...with love :)
chrissy

day 3 of fast

whoo today was not a good day at all!!! today i was sooo close to giving up and i mean really close, i was at work and i just knew that if i took a lunch break i would eat so i plunged myself into work and asked if i could work straight and it was okay so that is what i did, but i am really proud because i am telling you my mind was ready and had already given up. it was like i made a decision and told myself look we are eating, but somehow i stuck through it and made it! maybe the worst is not yet over but like martin said you don't have the see the whole staircase just take it one step at a time and that is what i am doing, taking it one day at a time and i am sure that before i know it it will be 18 days and i would have achieved what i kept thinking i could not! see you guys tomorrow! we live to fight another day!

day 2 of fast

so today was especially hard but somehow i am surprised sometimes how my stubbornness or determinism if you will, carries me over some particular situations. i worked around nothing but food today and somehow i was able to not eat even when my mind kept telling all kinds of reasons as to why i should give up and eat. see i feel like your mind and yourself are two separate entities, your mind will try to play tricks on you! but you have to show it you are in control, control your mind. today i kept telling myself it is okay if you eat, you fasting is not giving you anything anyway, it isn't like you fasting is going to change any of the problems that you are having, so i do not see why not eat. you only live life once, why spend it hungry??? these are the thoughts that were going through my head at work today but as these thoughts went through, a quieter thought would say " i know you can do it, you made a promise to yourself, you have to be be able to control this" this is the voice i would listen to...the day isn't over yet, but i feel i have gotten over the big hurdle because now i am home and there is no way i am leaving my bed to go outside for some food so i will say i have made past day 2 with some difficulty of course.

18 day fast...to be continued

sooo too many things are going wrong right now and i feel like i am spinning out of control...so what i am going to do about it is: i am going to go on a fast, that is right a fast! i am going to fast for 18 days! my birthday is in 18 days so from august first to august the 18th i will be abstaining from eating any food and i will be only drinking water and liquid food but nothing chewable for 18days...this is just to establish control in many areas of my life: my eating habits, my spending habits, my story telling habits and much more, my self hating habits and much more! i want to work on a lot of course it won't happen over 18days but it is a start...what i would like to ultimately do is get control of my emotions...i will attempt to try and meditate at 5 am if i can help it every morning...working towards a peaceful life...so bare with me as i take you on the hjourney of my 18days fast...i want to do a documentary if i can.

3 days of fasting

i am doing a 3 day fast to reconnect or rather connect with myself, find some things about myself, settle some things, of course i know i won't accomplish this in three days but maybe i could get some clarity on where to go in life, how to go about it, what it is i need to let go and strength necessary in doing so! the fast is three days, no food...only water and natural juices, during these days i would try to meditate and look inside of me, even the parts that i somehow always avoid looking at because they are not the most attractive of me. a good person told me we seek to please others because there is a part of us we haven't satisfied yet. i want to be satisfied and beyond satisfied with me first. i can't do anyone any good if i cannot do that.

i will detail the three days and the feelings that i experience, the things i want to change, the things that are hard for me, the things i need clarity on, i will detail them here as each day passes.

peace love and blessings

my jam!

this song is like my theme song seriously! lol

at night

during the day, while everything is going on i never stop to think about you
it is much easier to pretend like everything is fine
that i don't mind if you are not mine
but at night as i sit in my room
surrounded by the 4 corners of my walls
i start to reminisce about the time spent talking on the phone
i replay those nights when all i wanted to do was to just stay in your arms
i closed my eyes and i am taken back a year ago when everything felt so right
through the night everything is alright
i open my eyes and all i have are the memories
everything else is gone, even the flurries
on that very first day when we first met
the promises of forever long gone
i remember the smiles on both of our faces
my, how happy we were during those days
rays of sunshine penetrating my window let me know that the day has begun
once again i go about my day as if everything is alright
i try my hardest to smile and laugh hoping to get through this phase
i am very proud so never have i allowed my emotions to come through
somehow at night i am not able to control them
as the end of the day nears
the night approaches and once again i fear
the tormenting memories, i am a prisoner of them at night
it seems they won't allow me to think of anything else but the way it felt to be held by you.
the way it felt to be caressed by you
the way i could feel your kisses at the core of my soul
at night it is impossible for me to pretend that i don't care
it is only at night that i am able to completely let go
because i know no one is watching, i can't feel weak
at night i still dream of what it felt like to be alive
to not just live during the day going through the motions of being in control
at night i can let go of the inhibitions and finally admit that i do still wish you were around
at night i can say it aloud
i might, maybe just maybe if night were to stay around forever
finally admit that i love you
but only at night.