Wednesday, August 3, 2011

day 3 of fast

whoo today was not a good day at all!!! today i was sooo close to giving up and i mean really close, i was at work and i just knew that if i took a lunch break i would eat so i plunged myself into work and asked if i could work straight and it was okay so that is what i did, but i am really proud because i am telling you my mind was ready and had already given up. it was like i made a decision and told myself look we are eating, but somehow i stuck through it and made it! maybe the worst is not yet over but like martin said you don't have the see the whole staircase just take it one step at a time and that is what i am doing, taking it one day at a time and i am sure that before i know it it will be 18 days and i would have achieved what i kept thinking i could not! see you guys tomorrow! we live to fight another day!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

day 2 of fast

so today was especially hard but somehow i am surprised sometimes how my stubbornness or determinism if you will, carries me over some particular situations. i worked around nothing but food today and somehow i was able to not eat even when my mind kept telling all kinds of reasons as to why i should give up and eat. see i feel like your mind and yourself are two separate entities, your mind will try to play tricks on you! but you have to show it you are in control, control your mind. today i kept telling myself it is okay if you eat, you fasting is not giving you anything anyway, it isn't like you fasting is going to change any of the problems that you are having, so i do not see why not eat. you only live life once, why spend it hungry??? these are the thoughts that were going through my head at work today but as these thoughts went through, a quieter thought would say " i know you can do it, you made a promise to yourself, you have to be be able to control this" this is the voice i would listen to...the day isn't over yet, but i feel i have gotten over the big hurdle because now i am home and there is no way i am leaving my bed to go outside for some food so i will say i have made past day 2 with some difficulty of course.

Monday, August 1, 2011

18 day fast...to be continued

sooo too many things are going wrong right now and i feel like i am spinning out of control...so what i am going to do about it is: i am going to go on a fast, that is right a fast! i am going to fast for 18 days! my birthday is in 18 days so from august first to august the 18th i will be abstaining from eating any food and i will be only drinking water and liquid food but nothing chewable for 18days...this is just to establish control in many areas of my life: my eating habits, my spending habits, my story telling habits and much more, my self hating habits and much more! i want to work on a lot of course it won't happen over 18days but it is a start...what i would like to ultimately do is get control of my emotions...i will attempt to try and meditate at 5 am if i can help it every morning...working towards a peaceful life...so bare with me as i take you on the hjourney of my 18days fast...i want to do a documentary if i can.