Acceptance

i just watched this movie, on lifetime. as you can see from the title of this post it was called acceptance. it was about a group of high school seniors deciding on which colleges they should apply to, which they would attend and what the perfect school for them would be. that was what the movie appeared to be about, but it had a deeper message: to accept yourself, your life, your mistakes, your regrets and everything that has gotten you to the point that you are at the moment and to realize that there is a brighter tomorrow and although you cannot always make a U turn in life, you can always find an alternative path that leads you to the same destination. one character in the movie really stood out to me, her name was Taylor, the reason she stood out to me is because in so many ways she resembled me. taylor had issues at home, and blamed them for the mistakes she made and the pain she felt and also blamed her delusional and absentee father for the failures that she made in life and for her grades not being the best that they could be. she cut herself and stole others mail to distract her from the pain that she was feeling. the reason i say that she reminded me of myself is not because of her cutting habit( oh no!!! i am too afraid of pain to go through that) but because so many times, i have felt like a failure and i have blamed my unperfect family for those feelings, i have always felt that my mom did not deserve a failure of a daughter like i was, or i felt that maybe if i was perfect then my dad would love me more, or my mom would be with me. point of the story is i blamed my circumstances that now looking at them were not that horrible, but nonetheless i have blamed them for the mistakes i have made. i blamed having a job on not having the perfect grade average, or not making good enough grades. i blamed not being able to have a 4.0 on the fact that my family put too much pressure on me. i did all these things because i was not able to accept the fact that things happen and life is not perfect. i forgot that people must still work hard for whatever it is they want out of life regardless of what happened to them or whether or not their parents were not in their lives. but i am thinking maybe my acceptance came a bit too late.
at the end of the movie, taylor gets into the school that she wants to go to, harry who father has always wanted him to go to harvard, is accepted to maryland(by the way my school whoop whoop...well not really...) on a full scholarship. he realizes that the school that you attend does not guarantee that you would be less screwed up when you grew up or more stable...it just looks good on your resume! at the end of the day the fact that you can accept who you are as a whole and accept your parents and everyone around for who and what they are( people that will never cease to annoy your life) then you have done a great job so far at life...the other half is another story...

toodles people

Everyone will not love you!

i don't know if as humans this is one of those things that we are born with, or rather one of those inept things that we cannot help but want others to love us, to feel some sense of belonging in this big whole world. to feel like we are connected to something. maybe it is one of those inept abilities because if it isn't then i am seriously screwed! am i craving attention and love so much that i stick to anything to gives me even an ounce of this? even if it is for the wrong reason? are we so messed up in the head as humans that we come to believe lies as truths because we can find comfort in them? someone please tell me this is what is happening to society because if it isn't then once again i am completely screwed up! i believe everyone that smiles at me is my friend and wishes me well. it is almost like i have created some make believe world where everyone is my friend and no one wants to harm me, all of them want to love me, no one wishes me harm, everyone wishes me success...i don't know where this is leading but i am pretty sure it will not be a happy ending!

Second chances

how many second chances should one receive? how many are you allowed in life? how many are you permitted? how many before whoever is in charge of the universe says that is it! no more for you! or how many should you allow to a person, before you can say no more! i feel i have blessed, i have received many opportunities and had knocked on the proper doors and put things out there, i would have had more. everyday i feel as if i am somehow not doing all that i am supposed to do and feel as a failure but yet i do nothing to change it. everyday i say to myself no more, and allow myself a second chance to get it right but yet never do and fail myself once again and i am again back to where i started. i promise to myself many times i will definitely do better and then i don't! how many promises can be made until one get fed up? i think i need to make an appointment with either a psychologist or a psychiatrist because i believe they have defined crazy as doing the same thing and expecting different results!

nice guys finish last! why is that?

In this video, he discusses what it is he would do for a specific girl and still she would not love him. the song i admit makes the girl sounds like an evil, no heart having, b**ch...but let's look at this phenomenon for a while why don't we? many girls have told me how much they would want a guy to do this for them, and speaking from experience, i have been the girl in the video. one important point to remember is the fact that you cannot at all ignite feelings, you cannot make them appear when they are not there and you certainly cannot make them disappear when they have made their way into the surface. women/girls have this thing where they want to be the one that changes the guy and really it is something we cannot help, as foolish as it sounds, especially to me, we cannot help it! there are women though who know the lines between fantasy and reality. as much as i want to meet a bad boy and turn him good there is no possible way i would stick around for his bad ways to manifest on me! NEGATIVE. the reason why i think at least women do not want a good guy depends on the woman...because let's face it, the good guys sometimes go for those beautiful messed up in the head women, the kind that in fact wants a "bad boy". more often than not, the good guy is not attractive enough, or he doesn't have that whip appeal...of course everyone wants someone they can be like "damn baby...you are fine" someone that looks like you know let's say trey songz and if trey happened to be a good guy, then of course there is not a woman on earth that would refuse him. so i do not think it is an issue of nice guys finishing last...there is much more to the story than that. you might be nice, but not good looking, so of course then your niceness doesn't matter...although it should (this is another blog) but hey we live in the society where outside appearances have more value then what is found within. so i say this to bruno...i am so sorry that you had to kill yourslef, but you cannot blame the woman for wanting a finer man that what you were...of course what you did was beyond sweet, but let's face i am pretty sure what he does to her in the bedroom is maybe worth more than that...hey hey hey i am just saying what it is! why don't you try finding you an equally nice girl and maybe you won't have those problems, you were trying to go after the supermodel, but of course she wants someone that looks like a supermodel too...:)...better luck next time lol

later loves,

NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT ME

having one of those nights where i just feel like crying, but yet what is weird to me is the fact that the tears won't come! everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life has gone wrong, but yet i cant find the tears to actually cry which is actually weird for me, because just last year i used to cry about every little thing that went wrong in my life. although everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, but yet at the sight and sound of me you would believe i am the happiest person in the world...i guess i have always been good at keeping up appearances, but sometimes it gets to be heavy on my heart and tonight is one of those nights where i feel like the loneliest person in the world, i cant talk to anyone about anything without possibly having to tell them everything which is something that i am not comfortable doing, i cannot tell them part of it because they wont understand it unless i tell the whole thing which we have established is impossible for me to do for fear of inviting someone in my life and having them be too close to me.

these lyrics are very specific to the feeling that i am feeling tonight:

pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

although this song is about love, the general message of being in pain and pretending to be okay, is what im feeling! not the actual love part! well thats another story to tell.
hopefully i can sleep tonight later lovies <3 what lovies anyway no one cares but me!