EVALUATING LIFE

as i am sitting here this saturday morning at 6 am. thoughts are going through my head. i am evaluating my life as someone very smart once said the unevaluated life is not worth living. so everyday i make sure i ponder upon my life and i ask myself have i been the best person that i could have possibly have been? and my answer is usually no. i don't know why throughout my life i have tried so hard to please other people at the expense of my own happiness, whether it be friends or family, i am just starting to find out what i want in this life and starting to not give a damn about other people, but sometimes i still find myself falling back into my old habits. i try to be perfect so other people would like me forgetting that this is my life and i am living it for me, hell when and i do get to the pearly white gates, i am not going to be with anyone. i say this to myself everytime but when it comes down to it, it is easier said than done. sometimes i feel like there is something holding me back from being truly happy with myself, from finding that bliss that one of dear friend talks about all the time, that bliss where it doesn't matter what other people say or think about him, he is still going to be and do him. for 19 damn years i have worked my way to find that bliss and yeah i made some progress somewhat but at the cost of what? i am so tired of feeling less than myself when other people decide they want to make me feel less than what i am. i am a damn good person and i know sometimes i am my own worst critic, and i know i have made lots of mistakes but who hasn't? someone once said whether you choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, it takes the same amount of work and from this day on, i have decided to be happy, life is too short to be anything but happy, you are going to die either way, so its your choice whether u want to be happy or sad. dont let anyone else make that choice for u.

A special thanks

i want to give a special thanks to everyone that ever did anything to hurt me. i am grateful for every trial and every tribulation i had and still am going through. of course often when we go through these, we think "why me, what did i do to deserve this", and it is easy for us to give up the fight because whats ahead is not clear to us, because we have been predestined to not have patience, to get everything we want when we want it, not knowing that what we want more often than not is not what we need. my whole life i have been searching for love in other's people, letting them hurt me in the process, i thought i had to be perfect for people to love me. i am now beginning to realize that there was a process. what i didnt realize was that i had to love myself wholy first, i had to accept me for me faults and all, then i had to love him, the perfect one and realize that no one on this planet can love me like he can. no one can do for me what he can. i had to realize this in order for me to finally find he that who is supposed to attain to love me as he loves me. everything i went through brought me here to this moment in my life, all of the pain i had to go through most of which i caused myself has finally begun to make sense. you see God wants you to be prepared for what he has in store for you, he has to make sure that you are ready for what he has set for you to do on this earth. he takes you through a process so at the end you can become the most beautiful and amazing image of him just like he created you to be. just like a diamond, which has to be dug from the dirt, there is a process to get it from that dirty rock in the ground to that beautiful piece of jewelry you buy in the store. i am not going to say that i am already that perfect stone, what i will say is that i know now my true potential, i appreciate the process and the people along it. i have now realized that i have a God's given talent that no man on earth can take away from me, no matter how hard they try. so for everyone out there who hurt me in anyway, I THANK YOU. I have gained more than i lost, so it was worth it.

introduction

so i am sitting here and i am pondering upon the question who are you? i have absolutely have no idea how to answer this question and i am thinking that no one out there does either. i mean it is pretty easy to describe your qualities and faults or at least what you think they are. the best that you can do is possibly describe yourself in certain situations. how many of us out there really know ourselves? i don think any of us does.
many of us are familiar with the quote "i think therefore i am" what does that really mean? who are we in this big maze that we call life? are we a piece of a puzzle? or the piece of a game like the matrix? all these questions crowd my mind as i am trying to answer the question who am i?
my name is christelle madeleine yemeck, i was born in 1989 so i am about to be 20 years old. i know these to be facts. everything else that i would tell you about me basically cannot be proven by me and is subject to change at anytime... so is it safe to say that the "who" part of ourselves is unknown? because in mathematics a changing answer also known as a variable can adapt many things and cant never be one thing, thus we really do not know what "it" ever is.
if i am getting too complicated, i am sorry. the truth is, at least i should say my truth is, because again as one of my famous scientist said: our reality is what we perceive it to be, so my truth might not be your truth... my truth is, our life and who we are is a big puzzle that never gets solved...i mean you get pretty close to solving it but then find another piece and you have to start all over. so life is a continuous cycle... it is all about starting over.