Sunday, November 29, 2009

WHO AM I?


I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DO NOT LIKE THIS PERSON I SEE LOOKING BACK AT ME. AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE NEVER LIKED THIS PERSON NOT ONCE, THIS MAY BE THE REASON WHY I AM NOT HAPPY IN LIFE, I MEAN SURE I SMILE AND LAUGH ALL THE TIME BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE WHEN I AM LEFT ALONE TO REFLECT ON THIS PATHETIC CHAOS I CALL MY LIFE, THERE IS NOT ONCE THING THAT I HAVE DONE THAT I AM PROUD OF, ALL MY LIFE, I DID WHAT MADE OTHERS HAPPY, OR WHAT PLEASED OTHERS, TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY OR WHAT PLEASES ME. I HAVE AN IDEA OF THE KIND OF PERSON THAT I WANT TO BE BUT LOOKING AT THIS PERSON THAT I AM RIGHT NOW? THESE TWO PERSONS ARE AT TWO DIFFERENT ENDS OF A STICK. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIND OR RATHER BECOME THIS PERSON, PEOPLE SAY WELL JUST WORK TOWARDS IT AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE BEEN TRYING BUT IT IS VERY HARD. I WANT TO GET TO A PEACEFUL PLACE IN MY LIFE, TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT INSECURE BECAUSE I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DOING EVERYTHING, A PLACE WHERE I AM COMFORTABLE WITH MY LEVEL OF INTELLIGENCE AND DO NOT ENVY OTHER PEOPLE FOR BEING SMARTER THAN ME BUT SIMPLY REALIZING THAT IF I WORK HARDER I COULD ALSO ATTAIN THAT LEVEL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT MY BODY SHAPE AND THE COLOR OF MY SKIN OR MY FLAWS BUT SIMPLY BEING THANKFUL THAT I AM A HEALTHY INDIVIDUAL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHAT MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH IS. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NO SWAYED BY WHAT PEOPLE WANT FROM ME WHETHER IT BE FAMILY FRIENDS OR LOVED ONES, BUT RATHER WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO GO AND WHAT I DESIRE FOR MY OWN SELF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT MOVED BY THE NEGATIVE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BUT SIMPLY BY THE ACOMPLISHMENTS THAT OTHERS SEE THAT I AM CAPABLE OF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN APPRECIATE THE STRUGGLES OF LIFE, KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT BE THE SAME IN THE FUTURE. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING, BUT WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO ME. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITIES TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE GOALS I SET FOR ME IN A REASONNABLE MANNER. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN ANSWER WITH CONFIDENCE THE QUESTION WHO AM I?

Friday, November 13, 2009

obstacles/difficulties


i felt i had to write, because writing is how i relieve stress, the end of the semester is nearing and of course i am stressed, i am not doing well in any of classes well as well as i would like to anyway and i cannot blame it on the fact that it is hard because if i truly applied myself to it, it wouldnt be so hard and it is not that i hate it, because you only which you cannot be or do at least in this case that statement applies. so lately i have been feeling inadequate, and kinda low. like i am bordering depression, there is no one to talk to because no one understands what it is i go through, mainly because i guess i dont understand it myself. i hold pretty high expectations for myself and when i dont reach them i feel like maybe i am not worth anything, i have always thought that people would love me more if i was perfect at everything so yes i am very self conscious and i know everyone keep telling me well you cannot please everyone; well i know that, but i am pretty sure drug addicts also know that drugs are not good for them but guess what they keep doing them anyway. lately i have told myself maybe i am not trying hard enough, i tried harder but guess what??? the results are not there and in fact instead of me doing better, i am doing worse, and this morning just everything went down the tube. so i am trying to find clothes to put on so i can go to school but as i am trying everything on, nothing fits. i have been going to the gym everyday for a week now, i try to eat healthy and if i dont i work out harder, but instead of me losing weight i am gaining it. now unto the next thing, i finally decide oh well i am going to put my sweat pants on and call it a day and by the time i do that i realize i have missed the shuttle and therefore missed my class in which maybe i had a quiz. so i come back to look for my shuttle book and cannot find it, now i know this seems miniscule but the pile of things stressing me out was alsready full to the point where it was tilting to the side and that little thing made it all fall. so i am fat, stupid, a liar(this is another blog), a cheater and many other sins. i dont know i figured if i wasnt here then i wouldnt go through all of this but this is the easy way out right??? maybe, maybe not, i could also just give everything up and not care anymore but then i would be dissapoiting myself and many more people, i cannot do it. but as of now i am at the end of my rope, i need GOD to give me more strength to pull myself up, because it is not looking good at this rate.