2009 THE END OF THE DECADE!!!

its the end of the year, it has come again
at this time many of us make resolutions at what we wont do again
but as soon as the excitement of starting anew settles in
we are back to our old ways, then we complain
maybe we did not lose those unwanted pounds we gained
maybe we didnt stick to that resolution of being less vain
it is the start of a new decade, what are you going to do to renew yourself?
change is inevitable, it is the only thing that stays constant throughout our lives
but you cannot just say that you are going to change and not follow on it with action
words are simply that, words!!!
the decade stared with the inaugurement of george as the 43rd president of the united states...a grave mistake(lol), then in september the US soil is attacked and more than 3,000 die. then apple launches the Ipod, terrorists behead a wall street jouranlist, George starts a war in search of weapons of mass destruction which by the way did not exist. Amirican IDOL debut on FOX. the DC snipers are arrested, after three week shooting rampage. Halle Berry is the first african american female to win an oscar. Saddam Hussein is captured in a hole(lol again), GAY marriage is legalized in some states, martha stewart goes to jail. the tsunami happens in ASIA (sad), the pope dies. bombings all over the world happened. the crocodile man died, twitter is invented and facebook becomes more popular. the virginia tech student kills 33. the iphone goes on sale in the U.S. A BLACK MAN BECOMES PRESIDENT OF THE U.S. the swine flu becomes an international pandemic. MICHAEL JACKSON DIES!!!!! shootings leaves 13 dead at a military base in forthood.
WITH ALL THAT YOU CAN SEE THAT THIS DECADE WAS NOT A VERY GOOD ONE!!! SO IT IS WITH GREAT JOY THAT I AM GLAD TO SEE THAT IT HAS GONE, MANY BAD THINGS HAPPENED BUT ALSO GOOD THINGS CAME FROM IT, SO WITH THAT BEING SAID HAPPPY NEWW YEAR!!! MAY 2010-2019 BE GOOD TO YOU AND YOURS TRULY.


SIGNED ~CHRISTELLE~

do i love it? am i good at it???

these days do not come too often, days when i decide to grab my pen and actually write, it is weird because the things we know how to do best are those things we do not exploit or think about much often, they are those things that are just there for ornaments inside of our minds, instead we choose the things that we think that we love doing!!! question what is the difference between something that you love doing, and something that you know how to do! i know how to write and i love writing, i have a great imagination and sometimes it takes me away from the current world, i have been writing since i was a small child. my mom told me i used to write everywhere, on walls, everywhere i could find space i would write. i wwote short stories, tons of them actually, i have many books laying around in my room, where i have started writing a story but never finished it. when i entered college i always thought of majoring in litterature but somehow it didnt work out that way, instead i found myself wanting to do something with biology. so my question is which path doo you follow, do you do what you know how to do or do you do what you love to do???

WHO AM I?

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DO NOT LIKE THIS PERSON I SEE LOOKING BACK AT ME. AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE NEVER LIKED THIS PERSON NOT ONCE, THIS MAY BE THE REASON WHY I AM NOT HAPPY IN LIFE, I MEAN SURE I SMILE AND LAUGH ALL THE TIME BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE WHEN I AM LEFT ALONE TO REFLECT ON THIS PATHETIC CHAOS I CALL MY LIFE, THERE IS NOT ONCE THING THAT I HAVE DONE THAT I AM PROUD OF, ALL MY LIFE, I DID WHAT MADE OTHERS HAPPY, OR WHAT PLEASED OTHERS, TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY OR WHAT PLEASES ME. I HAVE AN IDEA OF THE KIND OF PERSON THAT I WANT TO BE BUT LOOKING AT THIS PERSON THAT I AM RIGHT NOW? THESE TWO PERSONS ARE AT TWO DIFFERENT ENDS OF A STICK. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIND OR RATHER BECOME THIS PERSON, PEOPLE SAY WELL JUST WORK TOWARDS IT AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE BEEN TRYING BUT IT IS VERY HARD. I WANT TO GET TO A PEACEFUL PLACE IN MY LIFE, TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT INSECURE BECAUSE I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DOING EVERYTHING, A PLACE WHERE I AM COMFORTABLE WITH MY LEVEL OF INTELLIGENCE AND DO NOT ENVY OTHER PEOPLE FOR BEING SMARTER THAN ME BUT SIMPLY REALIZING THAT IF I WORK HARDER I COULD ALSO ATTAIN THAT LEVEL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT MY BODY SHAPE AND THE COLOR OF MY SKIN OR MY FLAWS BUT SIMPLY BEING THANKFUL THAT I AM A HEALTHY INDIVIDUAL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHAT MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH IS. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NO SWAYED BY WHAT PEOPLE WANT FROM ME WHETHER IT BE FAMILY FRIENDS OR LOVED ONES, BUT RATHER WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO GO AND WHAT I DESIRE FOR MY OWN SELF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT MOVED BY THE NEGATIVE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BUT SIMPLY BY THE ACOMPLISHMENTS THAT OTHERS SEE THAT I AM CAPABLE OF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN APPRECIATE THE STRUGGLES OF LIFE, KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT BE THE SAME IN THE FUTURE. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING, BUT WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO ME. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITIES TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE GOALS I SET FOR ME IN A REASONNABLE MANNER. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN ANSWER WITH CONFIDENCE THE QUESTION WHO AM I?

obstacles/difficulties

i felt i had to write, because writing is how i relieve stress, the end of the semester is nearing and of course i am stressed, i am not doing well in any of classes well as well as i would like to anyway and i cannot blame it on the fact that it is hard because if i truly applied myself to it, it wouldnt be so hard and it is not that i hate it, because you only which you cannot be or do at least in this case that statement applies. so lately i have been feeling inadequate, and kinda low. like i am bordering depression, there is no one to talk to because no one understands what it is i go through, mainly because i guess i dont understand it myself. i hold pretty high expectations for myself and when i dont reach them i feel like maybe i am not worth anything, i have always thought that people would love me more if i was perfect at everything so yes i am very self conscious and i know everyone keep telling me well you cannot please everyone; well i know that, but i am pretty sure drug addicts also know that drugs are not good for them but guess what they keep doing them anyway. lately i have told myself maybe i am not trying hard enough, i tried harder but guess what??? the results are not there and in fact instead of me doing better, i am doing worse, and this morning just everything went down the tube. so i am trying to find clothes to put on so i can go to school but as i am trying everything on, nothing fits. i have been going to the gym everyday for a week now, i try to eat healthy and if i dont i work out harder, but instead of me losing weight i am gaining it. now unto the next thing, i finally decide oh well i am going to put my sweat pants on and call it a day and by the time i do that i realize i have missed the shuttle and therefore missed my class in which maybe i had a quiz. so i come back to look for my shuttle book and cannot find it, now i know this seems miniscule but the pile of things stressing me out was alsready full to the point where it was tilting to the side and that little thing made it all fall. so i am fat, stupid, a liar(this is another blog), a cheater and many other sins. i dont know i figured if i wasnt here then i wouldnt go through all of this but this is the easy way out right??? maybe, maybe not, i could also just give everything up and not care anymore but then i would be dissapoiting myself and many more people, i cannot do it. but as of now i am at the end of my rope, i need GOD to give me more strength to pull myself up, because it is not looking good at this rate.

Beauty

how do you know if you are beautiful? this question really bothers me from time to time as i try to define my beauty? am i pretty? cute? when it comes to these questions i am just mute. some say confidence is the sexiest thing in a woman, but why is it that ppl still care about your body type, or about all the media hype. what are the characterictics of being ugly i ask myself? are there guidelines that you are supposed to follow in order to know whether or not you fit into the beauty box? i am not saying these are the things are primordial in my life but sometimes i need reassurance. i was not raised in a home where beauty was primordial and in a way i grew up thinking that if i am smart then nothing else matters, and i would rather be smart then be pretty anyday, but sometimes those feelings get sawyed in a sea of pretty girls walking all around me, and i start to wonder well do my brain even matter when all people seem to notice are the pretty faces and bodies walking around? do i even exist when surrounded by beautiful women around me? what makes me stand out? if appearnces are the first impression and first impressions are all that really matters, should i spend more time working on my appearance than i do working on my interior? i mean after all people do not notice your interior but after they have admired your exterior. should i even be worrying about all of this? i dont know. how am i supposed to feel worthy when all around me i see faces i would kill to have, bodies i would give any amount of money for. do these questions mean i am not happy with who i am? or the way i look? of course not...i am comfortable in my body but like many people out there, there are things i would love to change about it. in the mean time i am just as confused about the way i am supposed to feel about myself when every moment of my waking day i see someone that i wish i could look like or i am swamped with pictures of beautiful models in a magazine.

Love

this is apparently a big topic, everyone tries to study it, find out about it or at least on some kind of level understand it. everyone wants to be in love at some point in their lives, we all have been crowded with the idea of it since we were little kids, watching movies such as cinderella, depicting a perfectly capable young woman, whose life changing status all depended on her falling in love. we all have grown with the idea that love is this enchanted feeling that you get when you finally meet the person of your dreams. this is why many of us sometimes are dissapointed when we do meet a person and they do not fufill these preconceived notions about love. while some of us are dissaponted by the whole notion when we do finally find out it is a notion, some of us hang on to it for dear life no matter the consequences. don't get me wrong i am not a critic of the notion, i just think it is foolish to somehow over look all the capabilities someone has because somehow they havent found love. there is no denying in the fact that oprah winfrey is a remarkable woman but sometimes all of her achievements are overlooked simply because she does flaunt around the idea of this love notion.
to me love is an emotion just every other emotion that when to the extreme can render you crazy, i have seen many lives destroyed all in the name of love, many people have lost themselves and their dreams in search of it.
as for me, i am not a big fan of love, i mean of course dont get me wrong, it is an "unplanned emotion" and i put quotes around that because in another blog i will discuss my views on free will and our choices and if you can or cannot really choose the one you fall for, but if i happen to find a suitable mate after i have accomplished what i am set to accomplish, then i will not mind falling in love, but as for now i have not yet discovered the importance of it.

EVALUATING LIFE

as i am sitting here this saturday morning at 6 am. thoughts are going through my head. i am evaluating my life as someone very smart once said the unevaluated life is not worth living. so everyday i make sure i ponder upon my life and i ask myself have i been the best person that i could have possibly have been? and my answer is usually no. i don't know why throughout my life i have tried so hard to please other people at the expense of my own happiness, whether it be friends or family, i am just starting to find out what i want in this life and starting to not give a damn about other people, but sometimes i still find myself falling back into my old habits. i try to be perfect so other people would like me forgetting that this is my life and i am living it for me, hell when and i do get to the pearly white gates, i am not going to be with anyone. i say this to myself everytime but when it comes down to it, it is easier said than done. sometimes i feel like there is something holding me back from being truly happy with myself, from finding that bliss that one of dear friend talks about all the time, that bliss where it doesn't matter what other people say or think about him, he is still going to be and do him. for 19 damn years i have worked my way to find that bliss and yeah i made some progress somewhat but at the cost of what? i am so tired of feeling less than myself when other people decide they want to make me feel less than what i am. i am a damn good person and i know sometimes i am my own worst critic, and i know i have made lots of mistakes but who hasn't? someone once said whether you choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, it takes the same amount of work and from this day on, i have decided to be happy, life is too short to be anything but happy, you are going to die either way, so its your choice whether u want to be happy or sad. dont let anyone else make that choice for u.

A special thanks

i want to give a special thanks to everyone that ever did anything to hurt me. i am grateful for every trial and every tribulation i had and still am going through. of course often when we go through these, we think "why me, what did i do to deserve this", and it is easy for us to give up the fight because whats ahead is not clear to us, because we have been predestined to not have patience, to get everything we want when we want it, not knowing that what we want more often than not is not what we need. my whole life i have been searching for love in other's people, letting them hurt me in the process, i thought i had to be perfect for people to love me. i am now beginning to realize that there was a process. what i didnt realize was that i had to love myself wholy first, i had to accept me for me faults and all, then i had to love him, the perfect one and realize that no one on this planet can love me like he can. no one can do for me what he can. i had to realize this in order for me to finally find he that who is supposed to attain to love me as he loves me. everything i went through brought me here to this moment in my life, all of the pain i had to go through most of which i caused myself has finally begun to make sense. you see God wants you to be prepared for what he has in store for you, he has to make sure that you are ready for what he has set for you to do on this earth. he takes you through a process so at the end you can become the most beautiful and amazing image of him just like he created you to be. just like a diamond, which has to be dug from the dirt, there is a process to get it from that dirty rock in the ground to that beautiful piece of jewelry you buy in the store. i am not going to say that i am already that perfect stone, what i will say is that i know now my true potential, i appreciate the process and the people along it. i have now realized that i have a God's given talent that no man on earth can take away from me, no matter how hard they try. so for everyone out there who hurt me in anyway, I THANK YOU. I have gained more than i lost, so it was worth it.

introduction

so i am sitting here and i am pondering upon the question who are you? i have absolutely have no idea how to answer this question and i am thinking that no one out there does either. i mean it is pretty easy to describe your qualities and faults or at least what you think they are. the best that you can do is possibly describe yourself in certain situations. how many of us out there really know ourselves? i don think any of us does.
many of us are familiar with the quote "i think therefore i am" what does that really mean? who are we in this big maze that we call life? are we a piece of a puzzle? or the piece of a game like the matrix? all these questions crowd my mind as i am trying to answer the question who am i?
my name is christelle madeleine yemeck, i was born in 1989 so i am about to be 20 years old. i know these to be facts. everything else that i would tell you about me basically cannot be proven by me and is subject to change at anytime... so is it safe to say that the "who" part of ourselves is unknown? because in mathematics a changing answer also known as a variable can adapt many things and cant never be one thing, thus we really do not know what "it" ever is.
if i am getting too complicated, i am sorry. the truth is, at least i should say my truth is, because again as one of my famous scientist said: our reality is what we perceive it to be, so my truth might not be your truth... my truth is, our life and who we are is a big puzzle that never gets solved...i mean you get pretty close to solving it but then find another piece and you have to start all over. so life is a continuous cycle... it is all about starting over.